A Very Corny Christmas

Candy Corn is a universal treat. It goes with anything and is perfect for all holiday seasons, especially Christmas. If you want to get on everybody’s good side and start the new year off right, make sure you put plenty of Candy Cane Candy Corn in stockings and under the tree.

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Oreo cookies are also delicious. So it stands to reason that one way Oreo cookies could be made even yummier would be to add Candy Corn filling.

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Mmmm, mmmm… now we’re talking! Who are the clever people that think these things up? And as if that’s not enough, there’s even Candy Cane Oreo Cookies!

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But wait a sec, where did the Candy Corn go? It seems we almost found the perfect Christmas treat: Candy Cane Candy Corn Oreo Cookies. What happened here? If these don’t exist then somebody totally dropped the ball! This is like forgetting to put M&M’s and licorice in a root beer float!!

It’s not snowing outside and I don’t have any Candy Cane Candy Corn Oreo Cookies. So much for a perfect Christmas….

Candy is Bad for You

It’s Christmas time and people are consuming even more candy than usual. I contributed to the problem today by spending way too much money on candies for some of the sugarmongers in my life: chocolate-covered espresso beans, chocolate-covered almonds, chocolate-covered macadamia nuts, chocolate-covered chocolate… chocolate-covered everything!

But let’s be straight: candy is bad for you, and this perhaps becomes more obvious to people when it comes served in a toilet bowl.

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It would be nice if I could give these as gifts instead of the chocolates, but this really wouldn’t go over well with most. Eating lots of Christmas-themed candy and chocolates is just a part of the holiday season, and one surefire way to put a damper on any yuletide celebration is to hand somebody a sucker shaped like a plunger.

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It’s worth pointing out that these candy-toilets have two holsters on each side, which is an interesting touch. It’s always good to have a spare, I suppose. What will they think of next? Candy cane plungers and chocolate… oh nevermind.

Piece of Problem, No Cake

Imagine how many people in the various medical professions would be out of work if PepsiCo and some of the other junk food companies started filing for bankruptcy—cavities and self-inflicted diabetes would disappear. Fortunately, with super-charged advertising like this, it’s not going to be happening any time soon:

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Is it really possible that the first thing Butterface does after a sex-infused night of lip-syncing is run to her dressing room for the refreshment of an ice-cold 12 oz. cola? If so, can you imagine what dinner might be like at Beyoncé’s house?

Jay-Z: “Honey, what should we have to drink tonight with our filet mignon?”
Beyoncé: “I just got back from the grocery store with enough Pepsi to last us till the next century. Why don’t we open a bottle?”
Jay-Z: “That’s a great idea, yo?! I was just thinking about how much I wanted to drink a Pepsi.”

This advertisement makes me wonder how many people will end up with Type II Diabetes because their Pepsi intake increased proportionately to the number of Beyoncé and Destiny’s Child albums they owned in their more formative years.