Antiphony, Entry 3: An Important Message From Mrs. Anna Blair AKA John Johnson AKA Ahmed

Reply-To: <ahmed.cbn.gov.ng@gmail.com>
From: "JOHN JOHNSON"<johnson.johnson-ky@yandex.com>
Subject: Please get back to me
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2017 06:19:17 -0800

My Dear Friend,

Let me first of all inform you, I got your email address from a mail Directory [oh yes, I always try to put my email address on all the mail directories I come across] and decided to mail you for a permission to go ahead. I am Mrs. Anna Blair from United Kingdom, [well hello there Mrs. Anna Blair from United Kingdom] married to Dr. Anthony R. Blair who worked with Texaco Oil Company in Malaysia before he died in a plane crash on his way to a Board meeting. [Damn, that sucks--you really gotta watch out for those high-stakes board meetings.] My Husband and I were married but without any children. [Okay, that's really unfortunate, but please don't go into any detail.] Since his death I decided not to re-marry and presently I am 79 Years old. [Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're almost an octogenarian?] When my late husband was Alive he deposited the sum of $11.5M. (Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars) with a Bank. [Did you say Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars? Have I mentioned that I'm single?]

Presently this money is still with the Bank and the management just Wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to receive the money or rather Issue a letter of authority to somebody to receive it on my behalf. [Yes... mmm hmmm... someone on your behalf? Please continue.] I am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment Cancer of the lungs. [I'm sorry--that's really quite unfortunate.] I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live [That's perfect! I mean... how terrible!] so I think the best thing to do is to use the money for charity purposes. [What a coincidence... "Charity" happens to be my middle name!]

I want a person who is trustworthy [you're definitely talking to the right guy, lady] that I will make the beneficiary of my late Husband's Fund deposited with the bank so that the person can get the money and utilize 70% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world. [Wait... 70%? That still leaves like 5 or 6 million dollars for me, right?]

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact details of the Bank. [Don't worry, I am a very professional person.] I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of this fund.Please assure me that you will act accordingly [I assure you that I will act accordingly] as I stated here in and Keep this contact confidential till such a time this funds get to your Custody. [Don't worry, I wouldn't share this message with anybody!] This is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes my last wish on earth. [I will do it for you, Anna.]

Kindly reply me on my private email: mrsannatony@yahoo.com [Wait a sec, are you sure you want me to send it to this one? There are like three different email addresses going on in this message.]

I await your urgent reply.

Regards,
Mrs. Anna Blair [That's such a pretty name... for such a pretty young lady.]

Biased Technology and the Nerdification of Society

I had to reset my Android smartphone recently because it developed a number of strange issues, like group-text messages taking 30+ seconds to send, and apps consuming a bunch of storage space even after they were uninstalled. In the past, I had the autocorrect typing feature disabled because I found that it created more problems for me than it solved, but it was turned back on since the feature is enabled by default and the phone reverted back to all of its default settings.

For shits and giggles, I decided to leave autocorrect on for a while so that I could assess how effectively its correction and prediction algorithms complement the user experience. To put it another way, I left it on so I would have an opportunity to better understand how well it works—or how well it doesn’t work, depending on one’s point of view.

I soon discovered a notable peculiarity of the word prediction feature: it frequently exhibits a preference for words relating to nerd culture icon-external-link-12x12 over common English words. This came to my attention while having a text-based conversation with a friend via Skype. I accidentally typed “Luke” when I intended to type “Like”. This is a common mistake that is impossible for the algorithm to correct: the letter “u” is adjacent to the letter “i” on a standard keyboard, and “Luke” is a valid word/name, so what could it possibly do?

What surprised me though was that I found “Skywalker” appearing as the second of three word predictions offered by the algorithm, alongside the much more common English words “and” and “is”:

Suppose I was actually talking about a person named Luke—is it really okay that “Skywalker” is recommended over “was” or “would” or any other sentence-building words?

At first I wondered if society as a whole has become so strongly affected by pop-culture that the algorithm was actually correct in its prediction—that is, after typing the name “Luke”, people have been found to type “Skywalker” more frequently than “was” or “would”. If this is the case then that would mean there are more nerds on the planet in 2017 than non-nerds. Could this actually be true? Well, probably not… at least not yet. What’s more likely is that there is some mischievous programmer on the Android team at Google with a Darth Vader costume and large collection of battery operated light sabers who is having some fun at the expense of the rest of us.

I am not a fan of Star Wars and so I was quite irritated at this point. I started to wonder how much cumulative time might be lost by Android users because word prediction promulgates pop-culture instead of favoring utility. Google claims that there are more than 2 billion Android devices in use icon-external-link-12x12 , so if each person lost on average 2 seconds every day while texting due to biased and incorrect word suggestions then there would be ~46,296.3 days worth of lost time across the world every 24 hours.

I decided to test a few more words and names that have been assembled by the nerd-collective—“Mario”, “final” and “walking”. These were the results:

In each case, nerd culture is given preference over utility: “kart” and “bros” (which aren’t even real fucking words) are recommended for “Mario”; “fantasy” is recommended for “final”; and “dead” is recommended for “walking”.

So this is just one more reason for me to hate autocorrect icon-internal-link-12x12 , and also one more reason for me to hate Star Wars icon-internal-link-12x12 . Oh… and I don’t hate either as much as I hate the Church of Jedi icon-external-link-12x12 —these people would totally do something like this. I think we should lure all of these nutjobs into a space shuttle resembling the Millenium Vulcan and then shoot them into the darkest corner of space. (Perhaps this sounds cruel, but honestly… they would probably be okay with it.)

Needless to say, I have turned auto-correct back off.

Brainwashed By Me, Myself Influence I

Slaughtered icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 07 from the Far Beyond Driven LP by Pantera icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )
“Slaughtered” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12

Cover Artwork for Pantera, Far Beyond Driven LP [Formatted]

25 Years icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 08 from the Far Beyond Driven LP)
“25 Years” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12
Use My Third Arm icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 10 from the Far Beyond Driven LP)
“Use My Third Arm” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12

The Technological Plateau of the Microwave Oven

So I bought a new high-tech microwave oven yesterday: the LG 0.9 cu. ft. NeoChef Countertop Microwave with Smart Inverter and EasyClean.

This is the first time I have ever purchased a microwave, and I think I did okay overall, but my expectations about what a modern microwave should do are apparently way too high. Why can’t it cook my food in 10 seconds? Why can’t it clean itself? Why can’t it connect to the Internet and buzz my smartphone when my food is ready? Why can’t the microwave door double as a television screen?

Come on, it’s 2017—we have self-driving cars and drones… why do I have to wait an entire 2 minutes for my frozen gourmet burritos to finish cooking??!

And another thing… microwave ovens have been around for like 50 years, so shouldn’t they cook faster by now? The only futuristic thing about this microwave is that it looks sleek and fancy, and it plays these stupid little songs in digitized chimes whenever my food is done cooking:

Not only are these features incredibly disappointing from technological standpoint, but the songs it plays are eerily similar to the songs that my training potty used to play when I was a small child. This has rendered a highly distressing psychological response from me whenever my food is ready to eat.

Oh yeah, it also has something called Smart Inverter Technology, whatever the hell that is. I think it’s for making yogurt or something stupid like that—who cares!!! I want 10 second gourmet burritos, damnit! How much longer are we going to have to wait for somebody to get off their ass and figure this stuff out?

Also, can I please turn these songs off already, or maybe download some new ringtones or something?!? I haven’t eaten in more than 24 hours!