I’m Looking California and Feeling Minnesota

Outshined icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 02 from the Badmotorfinger LP by Soundgarden icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )

I got up feeling so down
I got off being sold out
I’ve kept the movie rolling, but the story’s getting old now

I just looked in the mirror and things aren’t looking so good
I’m looking California and feeling Minnesota

So now you know who gets mystified

Show me the power child
I’d like to say that I’m down on my knees today
It gives me butterflies, gives me away, till I’m up on my feet again
I’m feeling outshined

Someone let the dogs out, they’ll show where the truth is
The grass is always greener where the dogs are shitting

I’m feeling that I’m sober even though I’m drinking
I can’t get any lower, still I feel I’m sinking

So now you know who gets mystified

Show me the power child
I’d like to say that I’m down on my knees today
It gives me butterflies, gives me away, till I’m up on my feet again
I’m feeling outshined

Baseball Banter with Bitmojis

Life is so much better with baseball-love in it, especially when it creates moments like these (my responses are on the right):

And as much as I lament admitting it, life is sometimes better with bitmojis icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 too.

I Can Get Back On, I Can Get Back On

Far Cry icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 01 from the Snakes & Arrows LP by Rush icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )

Pariah dogs and wandering madmen, barking at strangers and speaking in tongues
The ebb and flow of tidal fortune, electrical changes are charging up the young

It’s a far cry from the world we thought we would inherit
It’s a far cry from the way we thought we would share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I’m on top of the world and the next it’s falling in on me
I can get back on, I can get back on
One day I feel I’m ahead of the wheel and the next it’s rolling over me
I can get back on, I can get back on

Whirlwind-life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back and repeat
Slow degrees on the dark horizon
Full moon rising lays silver at your feet

It’s a far cry from the world we thought we woud inherit
It’s a far cry from the way we thought we would share it
You can almost feel the current flowing
You can almost see the circuits blowing

One day I feel I’m on top of the world and the next it’s falling in on me
I can get back on, I can get back on
One day I feel I’m ahead of the wheel and the next it’s rolling over me
I can get back on, I can get back on

You can almost feel the planet glowing

One day I feel I’m on top of the world and the next it’s falling in on me
I can get back on, I can get back on
One day I feel I’m ahead of the wheel and the next it’s rolling over me
I can get back on, I can get back on
One day I fly through a crack in the sky and the next it’s falling in on me
I can get back on, I can get back on

Running Away In Every Direction

Clouds in My House icon-external-link-12x12 (track 03 from the Angel Rat LP by Voivod icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )
“Clouds in My House” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12

Best Regards icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 05 from the Angel Rat LP)
“Best Regards” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12
The Outcast icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 09 from the Angel Rat LP)
“The Outcast” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12

Jokebook, Entry 1: Well-Intentioned Yard Maintenance

Q: How did the blonde* break her leg while raking leaves?
A: She fell out of a tree.

* This joke should not imply that blondes are less intelligent than people with other hair colors. It may, however, imply that people with blonde hair are not always required to act intelligently, that many willfully choose to exercise this peculiar social liberty afforded to them, and that some do so in very peculiar and humorous ways that can be to their own detriment.

Record of a Band that Plays the Blues

Big Ten Inch Record icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 05 from the Toys in the Attic LP by Aerosmith icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )

Got me the strangest woman
Believe me, this chick is no cinch
But I really get her going when I whip out my big 10 inch record of a band that plays the blues
Well, a band that plays its blues
She just loves my big 10 inch record of her favorite blues

Last night I tried to tease her
I gave my love a little pinch
She said now stop that jiving
Now whip out your big 10 inch record of a band that plays those blues
Well, a band that plays the blues
She just loves my big 10 inch record of her favorite blues

I cover her with kisses
And when we’re in a lover’s clinch she gets all excited
Then she begs for my big 10 inch record of a band that plays those blues
Well, a band that plays the blues
She just love my big 10 inch record of her favorite blues

My girl don’t go for smoking and liquor just make her flinch
Seems she don’t go for nothing except for my big 10 inch record of a band that plays the blues
She just love my big 10 inch record of her favorite blues

Commander Bulletfoot and the Thrill-Kill Brigade

If I were to run for president, my campaign slogan would be: “The United States of America—never before in history has so little been done with so much. Let’s fix that!”

It doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as I would like, and has at least one grammatical issue, yet for some reason I can’t imagine a more appropriate way to phrase it.

Were I somehow elected, my cabinet would be composed of fiscal tight-asses and proponents of small but effective government. The primary campaign promise would be to decommission the role of the president in its current form and replace it with three presidential-type roles. These new government officials would offer much more flexible public representation in the executive branch: like the senate, they would be elected every two years for six-year terms. Only two of the three sitting officials could ever be re-elected—if two were in the middle of their re-election terms and the third’s term was about to finish, he or she would not be eligible for re-election. These officials could be re-elected only one time, and those who were excluded from the re-election process would be allowed to run again in the future with a renewed opportunity for two consecutive terms.

Significant funding would be spent on schools and public services to ensure that at least 80% of Americans are highly literate. (Apparently in 2013, nineteen percent of high school graduates couldn’t read icon-external-link-12x12 .) First class citizens would be allowed to vote after passing a voting license exam, which would be similar in function to a driver’s license exam: it protects the public from reckless endangerment; in this case, the rampant uninformed decision-making that occurs during presidential elections. Second class citizens—those who are actively receiving most forms of welfare and/or those who do not have a voter’s license—would receive free access to remedial classes at high schools and community colleges.

UC Berkeley and many other bloated and inefficient public higher-education institutions would transition into private universities. All recovered funds would go toward the expansion of community college systems across the country, and allow for the proliferation of free educational services to those in need.

I would direct the FDA to create a “Healthy Foods” certification, not unlike the certifications or labelings for organic and non-GMO foods. Only nutritious foods would be eligible for purchase with food stamps or whatever the hell they call the program these days. People with with self-inflicted health problems would not be eligible for government health insurance; instead, they would be required to come up with their own solutions for medical care and treatment, or go without.

Major League Baseball would lose its antitrust exemption icon-external-link-12x12 and professional baseball (and other professional sports) would be greatly expanded. Funding for parks and recreation would be temporarily increased to facilitate the country’s new emphasis on local private and community sports programs.

My press secretary would be a stand-up comedian with a cadre of the finest writers in the entertainment industry. His reports (or monologues) would help smooth over all the unpopular news that would be delivered on a nearly daily basis. Most people would be totally pissed every day of the four years I would be in office, even though the country would be strengthening and people’s quality of life would significantly and genuinely improve.

Finally, and most importantly, the assholes who created and host the The Voice, along with anyone else involved in equally offensive musical/artistic calamities, would be stripped of their American citizenship and deported to whatever third-world country they find to be the most objectionable. Before deportation, each person would have a month-long stay at GTMO where I would personally waterboard them as a necessary form of catharsis and stress-relief. (A round of golf couldn’t possibly be enough to take the edge off of having the heinous gig of being POTUS.)