Of Mops and Buffalo Jerky

I was in Bed Bath & Beyond this afternoon buying a mop so I could clean my kitchen—truly exciting stuff.

To describe my state of mind whilst buying said mop, I had been shopping at Target minutes earlier to get razor cartridges and a large container of liquid hand soap, but decided not to buy any of the mops there because they were all really cheap and of exceptionally poor quality. I actually stood in the mop aisle for five to ten minutes, and kept going back and forth on what I should do: “It’s just a mop, who cares? They’re inexpensive and I’ll buy another one if this one breaks.” and then “Oh my gawd… I really hate shopping for mops. This is the worst thing ever! I never want to do this again for as long as I live!!”

I became so confounded that I left Target and went to Bed Bath and Beyond in hopes that I would find a better mop. Fortunately, I was able to get one that wasn’t 100% junk. It came in at whopping $29.99—almost double what most of the mops cost at Target—but it seemed to be slightly sturdy, and I am able to take the scrubber pad off and wash it in my washer machine when it starts to get gross.

When I was standing in line to pay for this slightly less-shitty version of what I was looking for, I saw packages of buffalo jerky hanging off the side of an endcap. After the ordeal with the mop, I found something unusual about this particular impulse-item icon-external-link-12x12 , and kept focusing on it. I’m not a huge meat eater, but I do have a small weakness for jerky. I have also noticed buffalo jerky in various stores many times before, but never purchased it for whatever reason. I then thought, “Why not buy buffalo jerky today? I deserve a treat after all I have been through… and hell, it might even take the edge off of all this business with the damned mop.”

Then I realized why I have never eaten buffalo before: I have never actually seen a buffalo in real life. Are they clean animals? What do they smell like? What do they eat? Is it okay to eat an animal that I have never seen before? Buffalo are supposed to be a lot like cattle, and I have seen lots of cows, so maybe that makes it okay to eat them..? But wait, I don’t eat red meat anymore. Is this regular buffalo or organic buffalo? Wouldn’t all buffalo be organic, even if it doesn’t say so on the packaging? OMG I’m thinking about this way too much. Aaahhhh! Get me out of this horrible place!!

So it’s another day without peace of mind because Target peddles garbage and BB&B pretends to be fancy and so it doesn’t sell plain old beef jerky.

Political Incorrection, Part 1

Sorry Charlie, I prefer the flavor of dolphin unsafe tuna over the safe varieties. My tastebuds simply won’t be denied.

Satan’s Snacky Cakes

What’s scarier? Locking eyes with ravenous werewolf feasting on freshly torn human flesh? Crossing paths with a wraith on a dark night at a lonely bridge? Awakening in your bed from the stirring of an unfamiliar phantasm? Or the current lineup of Hostess twinkies and cupcakes?

This Halloween, don’t call it quits after amassing your usual hoard of Twizzlers and stale candy corn—compliment your trove with a box or two of Chocolate Scream Twinkies. These are just like regular Twinkies, but they are filled with a sickeningly sweet brown mess inside.

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If over-processed cake products that look a little too much like Fluffy’s unattended sphincter aren’t your thing, consider the more conventional Hostess Scary Cakes. These are the standard diabetes-causing Hostess cup cakes with organ-damaging orange food dye mixed into the frosting to exude seasonal cheer.

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Do you prefer eating food that glows in the dark? Well, who doesn’t?! Fortunately, Hostess Glo Balls have you covered. These little treasures are made out of equal parts sugar, dye, bleached flour, and recycled glow sticks.

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One particularly neat trick with these Glo Balls is that if they are eaten fast enough and with minimal chewing, a person’s belly button will light up during the nighttime. Hostess claims that this is a good thing, as it provides yet another way for motorists to gauge their distance from careless children who are out trick-or-treating well after the sun sets.

Too much good stuff, right? But what are we supposed to do when all the Hostess Halloween fun is over? Are people going to be left to suffer a debilitating combination of sugar and processed-food withdrawals? Don’t worry… the Hostess-with-the-mostest has the solution: Deep-Fried Twinkies! Yes, that’s right, twinkies that have been submerged in boiling fat and oil. And what’s more, these little saccharine sludgies are available all year round!

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And really, how could they not be? There are just too many incredible things going on here for these to be relegated to seasonal distribution. Hostess even made a Double Chocolate variant for its customers with increasingly refined palates.

So it seems that Halloween these days is less about scary things and more about inventing extreme ways to activate a person’s sweet tooth. I guess it’s safe to say that the only thing scarier than a blood-thirsty demon is one with a weight problem, poorly-fitting trousers, and a glowing belly button.

Double-Standards and -Edges

Have you ever wondered why Prostate Cancer Awareness doesn’t receive as much attention as Breast Cancer Awareness? I think I have a pretty good idea what’s going on:

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When was the last time anybody looked at an enlarged prostate and got excited? (I want to say it’s never happened, but there are always a few sickos out there for anything and everything.) I’m pretty sure this is why the world outwardly celebrates boobies for the entire month of October, yet Prostate Cancer Awareness happens for something like 45 minutes in September, or maybe it’s March—really, who the fuck knows?

Breasts don’t have any undesirable qualities, as far as I can tell, but prostates… blech! I don’t even want to even think about it.