Antiphony Entry 7: Eliminate the Operator

From: Dickenson Weirick [mailto:order@lider-gaz.net]
Sent: Thursday, January 17, 2019 6:25 AM
Subject: (#9053) You need to certainly read this before anything negative can happen 17/01/2019 04:25:25

Hey, [Wazzup!?]

I have a private webpage with all types of solutions that i give in darknet. [Solutions from darknet? That sounds a little shady...]

Just about anything from entirely destroying somebody's small business [huh?] to physical wounds [damn!] etc, however nothing significant just like getting rid of. [So you're saying you will only do stuff like beat people up and sabotage their small businesses? You are thug of very modest ambitions.]

Generally it is shit similar too rejected relationships [mmm hmmm...] or rivalry at the workplace [I see]. Anyhow i've been got in touch recently by individual to make an request and also objective is obviously you. [Who hired you?! Was it Bruce?? Is he still mad at me for getting that promotion last May??]

In a immediate and painless manner. [Painless punishment? So you're saying this is not very serious then.] To be honest i only get compensated soon after each accomplished job and so choice to get hold of you before, to be able to pay me for remaining non-active this i sometimes offer the target. [This is a very interesting strategy, but honestly you don't sound very scary or intimidating. In fact, you sound like a fucking idiot.] However,if i don't obtain everything that i'm asking,my people will carry out the request. [And what exactly will your people do? Ring my doorbell after leaving a flaming bag of shit icon-external-link-12x12 on my doorstep?]

But in case if we will generate deal [not likely], apart eliminating the request you'll be able to obtain full information concerning the client that i have found. [It's gotta be Bruce. Only he would hire a moron like you.] As soon as the order is accomplished,I often eliminate the operator as well [wait a sec, aren't you the operator?], therefore i have a decision [Hang on... Bruce, is that you??!], to generate twelve hundred via you, quite simply with no effort and hard work [you are the laziest thug imaginable], or maybe to get 4000 from the client, yet to shed my operator. [Hmmm... tough call. $4000 is more than $1200, but there's going to be more work involved.]

I am receiving transfers solely via Btc aka bitcoin , this is my bitcoin transaction address - 1KLpbx3a6e5GphyDGGrRfRbPgE8G5SUtD6 [Sorry dude, I only have PayPal!]

You only have thirty-nine hours to transmit funds. [I guess I need to check my email more often---you sent this more than a month ago and no flaming bag of shit icon-external-link-12x12 so far!]

The Case for Smartphone Cases

It’s fascinating to me how it became fashionable for people to not use cases with their smartphones. This fits very well with the notion manufacturers and service providers push on consumers that a smartphone is supposed to be replaced every year or so: “Drop your phone? No sweat—just go buy a new one! There are a bunch of awesome new can’t-live-without-it features that came out since four months ago! How about insurance this time? It’s only $30 per month! This is more than what you pay for the renter’s insurance that covers all the belongings in your house/apartment, but it’s still totally worth it!”

Smartphone with cracked screen. [Formatted]

Not having a case also seems to be a status symbol of sorts: it communicates to others that a person has enough money to just go buy a new smartphone whenever clumsiness happens (which it always does). Along these same lines, the more expensive and fancy the phone then the lower the likelihood a person will actually use a case with it, which is just bizarre, bass-ackwards logic. One interesting result of this is that a lot of people end up using phones with cracked screens in front of their peers because they can’t afford to get it fixed or buy a new one; perhaps this is smartphone karma.

As for me, my smartphone is a Moto G6 Play which cost only $200. I put it in a sturdy case and it is very well protected. How do I know this? Because I drop my phone, just like everybody else, with about the same regularity as I spill my coffee. Call me crazy, but I like not having to throw away $200+ because I lost yet another battle with gravity. In fact, if I’m going to suddenly jettison this kind of money from my bank account, there are lots of other things I would rather it go to: visiting the dentist, replacing a tire on my vehicle, buying life insurance. Hell… I would rather wad up $10 bills into tight little balls and hurl them at unsuspecting people in the supermarket—at least that would be fun and entertaining. It’s certainly a better use of my money than replacing a smartphone that would otherwise be functioning perfectly if it just had a case.

Wildly Incorrect Autocomplete

Tonight I decided to buy a used computer workstation off eBay! I navigated to the search bar at the top of the web page and, in the extremely short window of time that existed after typing the word “used” and before typing “thinkstation”…

eBay website search bar shows very questionable results for autocomplete when typing in the word "used". [Formatted]

…something went horribly wrong!

WTF is this?!? This is my business eBay account—typically all I order with it are computer parts and computer related equipment. How did we veer onto this path? The only possible explanation is that A LOT of people are searching eBay for used panties.

This is an unsettling idea on its own, but what is going on with some of these other autocomplete recommendations? “Used reborn baby dolls”? “Used pantyhose”? “Used rifle scopes”? “Used tow trucks”? “Used tattoo machine”???

What is a reborn baby doll? That sounds creepy as hell. And used tattoo machines? Judging by the number of shitty tattoos out there, tattooing is more popular than ever so lots of people must be getting into it. A used tattoo gun is certainly going to cost less than a new tattoo gun, in very much the same way as a used toilet seat will cost less than a new one off the shelf at Home Depot.

Buying this computer should have taken me 20 to 30 minutes, but I ended up getting sidetracked for almost two hours. Crazy shit like this makes me wonder about all kinds of things… like how there is a team of software engineers at eBay—each member making six figures a year and having completed somewhere between four and nine years of higher education—ensuring people who are searching for “used panties” have as smooth a shopping experience as possible. This is all because increasingly impatient customers are more likely to get frustrated if they have to type in the entire search term and will happily buy used panties at Amazon instead.

Antiphony, Entry 6: The Act of Your Onanism

Subject: Hi, viсtim.
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2018 10:57:38 -0700
From: oeaqjk <Janine@kanpurlive.com>

Hi, my sacrifice. [WTF?]

I write you inasmuch as I put a virus on the web site with porno which you have viewed. [Porno? I don't know what you're talking about. I have never looked at porno in my life.] My trojan captured all your private info [oh shit] and turned on your camera [damn!] which captured the act of your onanism. [No, not my onanism!!!] Just after that the virus saved your contact list. [Including my boss???] I will erase the compromising video records and data [oh please!!] if you send me 500 USD in bitcoin. [Hold on, I'm waiting to hear back from Capt. Patrick Williams of the US ARMY medical team! He has money for me!!] This is wallet address for payment: 1JcdSm3qyL1hKagL22z3grpVUkjX3Ez8v2 [Wait! I have no idea what this means!!!]

I give you 30h after you view my report for making the payment. [Ahhh!! Capt. Patrick isn't very punctual and he's been processing my personal information to get me my money!] As soon as you open the message I'll know it immediately. [..!] It is not necessary to tell me that you have sent money to me. [..!!] This wallet address is connected to you, my system will delete everything automatically after transfer confirmation. [AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!] If you need 48h just Open the calculator on your desktop and press +++ [WHICH ONE?!?!? MY COMPUTER HAS FOUR DIFFERENT CALCULATORS!] If you don't pay, I'll send dirt to all your contacts. [Oh please don't!!] Let me remind you-I see what you're doing! [STOP WATCHING ME!] You can visit the police office but nothing can't help you. If you attempt to deceive me , I'll see it immediately! [HOW DO I UNPLUG THIS HORRIBLE THING?!?!?!?!?] I don't live in your country. [Of course!! No american would ever do anything like this!!] So anybody can't track my location even for 9 months.

Goodbye for now. [WAIT! DON'T GO!! WHAT THE HELL IS A WALLET ADDRESS?????] Don't forget about the shame and to ignore, Your life can be ruined. [Why is this happening to me?!?! Things were going so well before you sent me this horrible email!!]

[Holy hell! I knew that midget website was a bad idea....]