Gilbert Gottfried (from the Dirty Jokes DVD)
A man goes to the bar after work and gets so drunk that he throws up on himself.
He says to the bartender, “When my wife finds out I’ve been at the bar all night, she’s gonna kill me!”
The bartender responds, “It’s no problem—here’s what you do: take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her that you were working late, and on the subway home somebody threw up on you and then gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned.”
“That’s a great idea!” the man says.
Later that night, he finds his wife waiting for him in the doorway of their home. She exclaims, “Where the hell have you been?! Why is there vomit all over your shirt?! Have you been out drinking again??!”
The man slurs his response: “No honey! I swear I wasn’t drinking! Some sick man on the subway threw up on me and then gave me this ten dollar bill to have my shirt cleaned!”
The wife pulls the money out of his pocket and says, “But this is twenty dollars.”
“Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too.”
Rodney Dangerfield (from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson)
“I tell ya, Johnny, quitting smoking is rough.
“My wife and I, we made a deal to only smoke cigarettes after sex. Problem is, I’ve been working on the same pack since 1975.”
“What bothers me even more is that my wife… she’s up to three packs a day!”
01: Two muffins are placed in an oven*.
02: The first muffin says, “Jeez, it sure is hot in here.”
03: The second muffin yells, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”
* No muffins were harmed in the telling of this joke.
Q: How did the blonde* break her leg while raking leaves?
A: She fell out of a tree.
* This joke should not imply that blondes are less intelligent than people with other hair colors. It may, however, imply that people with blonde hair are not always required to act intelligently, that many willfully choose to exercise this peculiar social liberty afforded to them, and that some do so in very peculiar and humorous ways that can be to their own detriment.