Dispelling Romantics

There is no such thing as a soulmate. This is just some silly term coined by a blissfully ignorant couple a long, long time ago in celebration of their arbitrary good fortune. At some point the idea made its way onto a Hallmark card and, as a result, the notion of a soulmate became entrenched in society. Unfortunately, this is now the standard to which serial monogomists hold others whenever they start a new relationship.

In reality, the closest thing that exists to a soulmate is somebody with whom a person can spend the better part of a day and not be driven crazy. That is, through all the extra frustration, confusion, anger and disappointment, it comes to be understood by both people that things are still somehow better off with the other person around; they produce a net positive in one another’s life and so the relationship survives, and sometimes even flourishes.

To put it in the most nonromantic of terms, any reasonable man is willing to tolerate a woman taking all of his closet space if it means that he has someone to call when he locks himself out of the house. Cosmetics overflowing from the medicine cabinet? No problem! Just put a home-cooked meal on the dinner table once or twice a week and everything is good.

As straightforward, functional, and unspectacular as the above sounds, these kinds of relationships are still special. Yet when they exist or have an opportunity to exist, people frequently dismiss them outright, abandon them prematurely, or dutifully take them for granted because they fall so far short of a host of destructive pretenses. Instead of building something that works, a great many people are comfortable being selfish and shallow, and develop a preference for getting into long-term emotional sparring matches with others who have similar behaviors and expectations.

This is the framework upon which so many people construct their adult lives, and so it should come as no surprise that the divorce rate in the United States icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 rests somewhere between 40% and 50%. In fact, there are a lot of people out there who are already on their second or third soulmate! Oh well… “Que sera sera,” “All is fair in love and war,” “Love is blind,” and “The course of true love never runs smoothly,” etc., etc.

Mythical Creature

This is my dream woman: hygienic, feminine, no tattoos (or at least no bad tattoos), wears heavy metal t-shirts.

Hot girl wearing a Slayer t-shirt.

The only thing that’s really missing from this picture is her holding a Stephen King book in one hand and an IPA icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 in the other. Flipping the bird would work too.

I’ve been wondering for a while now whether women like this even exist. I know they should, but I don’t think they actually do.

Anyway, if anybody reading this happens to know this girl’s phone number, please send it to me IMMEDIATELY.

Esoteric Etiquette

If somebody you know suffered a disappointing date brokered through a match-making website, sharing the comment “There are plenty of fish left in the sea” might be highly inappropriate. This is particularly true if the site happened to be PlentyOfFish.com, as she will think that you are making a horribly cruel joke at her expense.


Depending on the degree of catastrophe that was experienced (and eventually comprehended in the aftermath), your well-intentioned journey from Mars to Venus could result in an articulated knee to the gut… followed by black-eye-prostration… followed by one or two cracked ribs… followed by….

Happy Valentine’s Day

Received a nice little surprise today…


Everything about it is surprisingly accurate, especially the part about me being important.