The Truth Is Out There… Maybe!

I rarely use Craigslist, particularly the version of it that is focused on this wacky little city of Redding that I live in. There are a lot of weirdos in the world, and many of them gravitate towards community services and resources such as Craigslist. Therefore, it’s not unreasonable to expect that if you spend time on the site then you’re going to have a higher frequency of encounters with the types of people you would never choose to have anything to do with in real life.

That said, every once in a while I will find a need to purchase something off Craigslist, despite my preference not to use the site. There are times when eBay “Buy It Now” prices are too unreasonable and the classified ads in the local newspaper are not exhaustive enough, and this is when I find myself saying “Well hello again, Craigslist!” with a sarcastic grin on my face. This happened two months ago when I decided to buy a vintage piece of music equipment called a Marshall JCM800 amplifier. I actually didn’t find the version of the amplifier that I wanted, but instead found and purchased two guitars—Ol’ Betsies 04 and 05 —from gentlemen in Hercules and Burney, respectively. Both experiences were quite pleasant, so I found myself wondering if maybe Craigslist isn’t as bad as it used to be.

My optimism was short-lived, however, as today I was reminded about one of the special types of “weird” that exists in Redding.

While looking for a place to post an ad for my baseball team, one of the first headlines I found was “Bigfoot Reports Wanted.” Aha! This is the Craigslist I remember so well! The entire ad read as follows:

If you have seen anything that you believe might be a Sasquatch or Bigfoot,or if you have heard strange noises or had a strange experience. I would love to hear your story. Please email to bigfoot-reports at hotmail dot com.

Will be kept confidential

Hey… now that you mention it, I have heard strange noises before! I have also had two or three totally fucking strange experiences in my life! How is it that I never considered Bigfoot was behind it all??!

Oh yeah… that’s because Bigfoot doesn’t exist! People who believe in Bigfoot are at least silly, and possibly crazy. If we can map our galaxy without leaving the solar system and order pizza from our cell phones while hiking trails in the wilderness, surely we would have found Bigfoot by now and put him in a zoo where he belongs.

(Somewhat of a tangent here, but they should put questions like “Do you believe in Bigfoot?” on voter registration forms alongside questions like “Who was the second President of the USA?” When a person answers the former “yes” after getting the latter wrong, he or she is automatically disqualified from participating in all elections for at least four years.)

Also, I love the faux-official email address bigfoot-reports@hotmail.com. I’m now imagining some other irrational and slightly irritated guy in Oregon posting his own Bigfoot Craigslist ad with the email address bigfoot-reports-official@hotmail.com (because the email address bigfoot-reports@hotmail.com was already taken by this asshole in California). Then there would of course be the even more irritated Washington counterpart having to settle with real-bigfoot-reports@hotmail.com because the two better email addresses were taken already by the assholes in California and Washington, and so on, and so forth.

As an old pal from Texas used to remind me, Northern California is Bigfoot country, and wherever Sasquatch is expected to be, people with tinfoil hats can’t be too far away!

Dialectic Trailmix

I loathe bumper stickers and typically regard people who put them on their vehicles as inconsiderate. To my reckoning, an individual’s personality deficiencies are directly relatable to the number of stickers affixed to her car. Yesterday, however, I was stuck behind somebody with only one sticker, and this sticker actually brought me some amusement. It read: God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

"God wants spiritual fruits not religious nuts" bumper sticker

I was immediately reminded of the only other bumper sticker that has brought me any amount of joy. It was in the same vein as the one above, but highly provocative… maybe even incitant. I have never actually seen it on anybody’s car—I only came across it in a music store that was known to carry some morally ambiguous wares (this store has since gone out of business). I think that if a person actually put this sticker on his car then his insurance policy would be cancelled due to imminent vandalism. Its words were as thought-provoking as they were offensive.

With all the bad parts edited out, the bumper sticker reads: *** * ***** ***** *** *****.

Hallmark Greeting Card Reject

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I’m a lot of fun at pity parties.

If Shaquille O’Neil Were an Orange…

…this is what he would look like:

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For an appropriate sense of scale, a deck of Bicycle playing cards was added to the scene:

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This orange is the size of a small pumpkin! In fact, after setting it on the counter and staring for a few moments, I was struck by a strange compulsion to carve it into a jack-o’-lantern.

Also, I couldn’t quite capture it in the pictures, but the smaller regular-sized orange is very slowly orbiting the larger one.