Fruit Uppercut

Mountain Dew recently released a new line of drinks branded Game Fuel. Clearly and unabashedly aimed at gamers, these new beverages will help rockets fly faster, guns reload more quickly, and frag grenades do more damage to opponents.

12 pack container of Mountain Dew Game Fuel drink. [Formatted]

PepsiCo icon-external-link-12x12 , the drink’s creators, designed the cans to have a re-sealable lid and a no-slip grip to prevent spills on expensive gaming hardware—this is important because nobody likes shorting-out an $800 graphics card with a $3 can of soda.

Game Fuel features a special combination of caffeine and theanine to reduce the unique kind of fatigue that is caused by zero-movement marathon gaming sessions. Intake of large amounts of theanine also increases the frequency of rare item drops.

Current flavors include Charged Cherry Burst, Charged Berry Blast, Charged Tropical Strike, and Charged Original DEW. Additional flavors are currently in development and available for preorder: Napalm Nectarine, Headshot Watermelon, Pomegranate Plasma Grenade, and Nuclear Winter Chill.

Political Incorrection, Part 1

Sorry Charlie, I prefer the flavor of dolphin unsafe tuna over the safe varieties. My tastebuds simply won’t be denied.

Jokebook, Entry 2: Startling Discourse

01: Two muffins are placed in an oven*.
02: The first muffin says, “Jeez, it sure is hot in here.”
03: The second muffin yells, “Holy shit! A talking muffin!”

* No muffins were harmed in the telling of this joke.

Jokebook, Entry 1: Well-Intentioned Yard Maintenance

Q: How did the blonde* break her leg while raking leaves?
A: She fell out of a tree.

* This joke should not imply that blondes are less intelligent than people with other hair colors. It may, however, imply that people with blonde hair are not always required to act intelligently, that many willfully choose to exercise this peculiar social liberty afforded to them, and that some do so in very peculiar and humorous ways that can be to their own detriment.