Triggers, and the Death of Romance

Like a lot of people, I watched the movie The Princess Bride icon-external-link-12x12 quite a bit while growing up. It’s a very charming production that appeals strongly to both children and adults. The story takes place in medieval times with a young man and woman finding a perfect love, but the woman is kidnapped by the local prince and is ordered to marry him. The man then embarks on an adventure to save the woman he loves and restore her rightful place by his side. The film uses concepts of romance, chivalry, and true love to weave a compelling and satisfying entertainment experience.

Wesley and Buttercup holding hands and staring into one another's eyes in an idyllic countryside. [Formatted]

Last summer, I was visiting one of my close friends and his family in a rural part of Oregon where they still have video stores. We decided to rent a flick for the night and agreed it should be The Princess Bride. All of us had not seen the movie for quite some time, and one person in our party was not familiar with it. I was looking forward to this because the last time I saw it was when I was an older teenager. I was also pleased that I was in the company of someone who would be watching it for the first time.

In one of the early scenes, the woman makes a series of requests of the man to perform menial chores, and it is conveyed to the viewer that she is testing the strength of his love for her. With each request, she becomes more and more emboldened. This eventually culminates with her saying, “Farm boy, fetch me that pail of water,” where the pail is only a short distance away from her and she easily could have gotten it herself. As a child and teenager, I found this romantic, but now as an adult who has had some rather severe life experiences at the hands of the opposite sex, I involuntarily exclaimed “Fetch your own damn water!” in front of everyone there. This was no small outburst on my part and I immediately apologized for the sudden interruption.

Needless to say, this once wondrous movie can no longer cast its spell on me anymore. Perhaps at some point in the future they will release an updated Blu-Ray with the Pail of Water scene removed. They could call it The Princess Bride: As You Wish* Special Edition, with the footnote for the asterisk being “Buttercup is now fetching her own pails of water.”

Fruit Uppercut

Mountain Dew recently released a new line of drinks branded Game Fuel. Clearly and unabashedly aimed at gamers, these new beverages will help rockets fly faster, guns reload more quickly, and frag grenades do more damage to opponents.

12 pack container of Mountain Dew Game Fuel drink. [Formatted]

PepsiCo icon-external-link-12x12 , the drink’s creators, designed the cans to have a re-sealable lid and a no-slip grip to prevent spills on expensive gaming hardware—this is important because nobody likes shorting-out an $800 graphics card with a $3 can of soda.

Game Fuel features a special combination of caffeine and theanine to reduce the unique kind of fatigue that is caused by zero-movement marathon gaming sessions. Intake of large amounts of theanine also increases the frequency of rare item drops.

Current flavors include Charged Cherry Burst, Charged Berry Blast, Charged Tropical Strike, and Charged Original DEW. Additional flavors are currently in development and available for preorder: Napalm Nectarine, Headshot Watermelon, Pomegranate Plasma Grenade, and Nuclear Winter Chill.

Stupid Money(ball)

A couple of weeks ago, right fielder Bryce Harper icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 scored a 13-year, $330 million dollar contract icon-external-link-12x12 with the Philadelphia Phillies. He will earn a $10 million dollar salary this season and will receive a $20 million dollar signing bonus. For the 2020 through 2028 seasons, he will earn a $26 million dollar annual salary. For the 2029 through 2031 seasons, he will earn a $22 million dollar annual salary. He also gets full no-trade protection, which means he doesn’t have to worry about waking up one morning to the phone ringing with news that he is now living and working in another random U.S. city.

He also gets bonuses:
+$50,000 for each All-Star appearance
+$50,000 each time he earns a Gold Glove award
+$50,000 each time he earns a Silver Slugger award
+$50,000 each time he earns a League Championship MVP award
+$100,000 each time he earns a World Series MVP award
+$500,000 each time he earns a league MVP award

This is the largest contract in baseball history. Also this year, Manny Machado icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 signed a 10-year $300 million dollar contract with the San Diego Padres, which is arguably an equivalent or better deal. Last year, Giancarlo Stanton icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 signed a 13-year $325 million dollar contract with the Florida Marlins. While these are the most egregious examples, there are many more of these types of contracts in Major League Baseball.

By comparison, 99 years ago—in 1919—Babe Ruth icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 signed a three-year contract with the Boston Red Sox for $25,000. When accounting for inflation, this contract would be worth just $367,870.68, which is $1,237,129.32 less than the current minimum salary for all MLB players over the same duration of time. This means that perhaps the greatest player in the history of the game would be making just $122,623.56 per year in the modern day.

Babe Ruth's 1919 baseball contract with the Boston Red Sox. [Formatted]

Also by comparison, $330 million is enough money to finance 25 man rosters for a 17 team baseball league with a median salary of $60,000… for a full 13 years! In other words, Bryce Harper’s salary would pay the salaries of 425 baseball players in a provincial baseball league for 13 seasons. Of course, there would be additional costs associated with such a league—building/leasing stadiums, hiring/paying administrative staff, team travel costs, and so on—so maybe cut the total time down to five years from 13.

The sports world is paying one baseball player’s salary instead of purchasing five years of provincial baseball with fair salaries for 425 highly capable players, many of whom would gladly go toe-to-toe with Mr. Harper on the ballfield. WHAT—THE—FUCK?!?

Antiphony Entry 7: Eliminate the Operator

From: Dickenson Weirick [mailto:order@lider-gaz.net]
Sent: Thursday, January 17, 2019 6:25 AM
Subject: (#9053) You need to certainly read this before anything negative can happen 17/01/2019 04:25:25

Hey, [Wazzup!?]

I have a private webpage with all types of solutions that i give in darknet. [Solutions from darknet? That sounds a little shady...]

Just about anything from entirely destroying somebody's small business [huh?] to physical wounds [damn!] etc, however nothing significant just like getting rid of. [So you're saying you will only do stuff like beat people up and sabotage their small businesses? You are thug of very modest ambitions.]

Generally it is shit similar too rejected relationships [mmm hmmm...] or rivalry at the workplace [I see]. Anyhow i've been got in touch recently by individual to make an request and also objective is obviously you. [Who hired you?! Was it Bruce?? Is he still mad at me for getting that promotion last May??]

In a immediate and painless manner. [Painless punishment? So you're saying this is not very serious then.] To be honest i only get compensated soon after each accomplished job and so choice to get hold of you before, to be able to pay me for remaining non-active this i sometimes offer the target. [This is a very interesting strategy, but honestly you don't sound very scary or intimidating. In fact, you sound like a fucking idiot.] However,if i don't obtain everything that i'm asking,my people will carry out the request. [And what exactly will your people do? Ring my doorbell after leaving a flaming bag of shit icon-external-link-12x12 on my doorstep?]

But in case if we will generate deal [not likely], apart eliminating the request you'll be able to obtain full information concerning the client that i have found. [It's gotta be Bruce. Only he would hire a moron like you.] As soon as the order is accomplished,I often eliminate the operator as well [wait a sec, aren't you the operator?], therefore i have a decision [Hang on... Bruce, is that you??!], to generate twelve hundred via you, quite simply with no effort and hard work [you are the laziest thug imaginable], or maybe to get 4000 from the client, yet to shed my operator. [Hmmm... tough call. $4000 is more than $1200, but there's going to be more work involved.]

I am receiving transfers solely via Btc aka bitcoin , this is my bitcoin transaction address - 1KLpbx3a6e5GphyDGGrRfRbPgE8G5SUtD6 [Sorry dude, I only have PayPal!]

You only have thirty-nine hours to transmit funds. [I guess I need to check my email more often---you sent this more than a month ago and no flaming bag of shit icon-external-link-12x12 so far!]