Fruit Uppercut

Mountain Dew recently released a new line of drinks branded Game Fuel. Clearly and unabashedly aimed at gamers, these new beverages will help rockets fly faster, guns reload more quickly, and frag grenades do more damage to opponents.

12 pack container of Mountain Dew Game Fuel drink. [Formatted]

PepsiCo icon-external-link-12x12 , the drink’s creators, designed the cans to have a re-sealable lid and a no-slip grip to prevent spills on expensive gaming hardware—this is important because nobody likes shorting-out an $800 graphics card with a $3 can of soda.

Game Fuel features a special combination of caffeine and theanine to reduce the unique kind of fatigue that is caused by zero-movement marathon gaming sessions. Intake of large amounts of theanine also increases the frequency of rare item drops.

Current flavors include Charged Cherry Burst, Charged Berry Blast, Charged Tropical Strike, and Charged Original DEW. Additional flavors are currently in development and available for preorder: Napalm Nectarine, Headshot Watermelon, Pomegranate Plasma Grenade, and Nuclear Winter Chill.

Stupid Money(ball)

A couple of weeks ago, right fielder Bryce Harper icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 scored a 13-year, $330 million dollar contract icon-external-link-12x12 with the Philadelphia Phillies. He will earn a $10 million dollar salary this season and will receive a $20 million dollar signing bonus. For the 2020 through 2028 seasons, he will earn a $26 million dollar annual salary. For the 2029 through 2031 seasons, he will earn a $22 million dollar annual salary. He also gets full no-trade protection, which means he doesn’t have to worry about waking up one morning to the phone ringing with news that he is now living and working in another random U.S. city.

He also gets bonuses:
+$50,000 for each All-Star appearance
+$50,000 each time he earns a Gold Glove award
+$50,000 each time he earns a Silver Slugger award
+$50,000 each time he earns a League Championship MVP award
+$100,000 each time he earns a World Series MVP award
+$500,000 each time he earns a league MVP award

This is the largest contract in baseball history. Also this year, Manny Machado icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 signed a 10-year $300 million dollar contract with the San Diego Padres, which is arguably an equivalent or better deal. Last year, Giancarlo Stanton icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 signed a 13-year $325 million dollar contract with the Florida Marlins. While these are the most egregious examples, there are many more of these types of contracts in Major League Baseball.

By comparison, 99 years ago—in 1919—Babe Ruth icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 signed a three-year contract with the Boston Red Sox for $25,000. When accounting for inflation, this contract would be worth just $367,870.68, which is $1,237,129.32 less than the current minimum salary for all MLB players over the same duration of time. This means that perhaps the greatest player in the history of the game would be making just $122,623.56 per year in the modern day.

Babe Ruth's 1919 baseball contract with the Boston Red Sox. [Formatted]

Also by comparison, $330 million is enough money to finance 25 man rosters for a 17 team baseball league with a median salary of $60,000… for a full 13 years! In other words, Bryce Harper’s salary would pay the salaries of 425 baseball players in a provincial baseball league for 13 seasons. Of course, there would be additional costs associated with such a league—building/leasing stadiums, hiring/paying administrative staff, team travel costs, and so on—so maybe cut the total time down to five years from 13.

The sports world is paying one baseball player’s salary instead of purchasing five years of provincial baseball with fair salaries for 425 highly capable players, many of whom would gladly go toe-to-toe with Mr. Harper on the ballfield. WHAT—THE—FUCK?!?

Antiphony Entry 7: Eliminate the Operator

From: Dickenson Weirick [mailto:order@lider-gaz.net]
Sent: Thursday, January 17, 2019 6:25 AM
Subject: (#9053) You need to certainly read this before anything negative can happen 17/01/2019 04:25:25

Hey, [Wazzup!?]

I have a private webpage with all types of solutions that i give in darknet. [Solutions from darknet? That sounds a little shady...]

Just about anything from entirely destroying somebody's small business [huh?] to physical wounds [damn!] etc, however nothing significant just like getting rid of. [So you're saying you will only do stuff like beat people up and sabotage their small businesses? You are thug of very modest ambitions.]

Generally it is shit similar too rejected relationships [mmm hmmm...] or rivalry at the workplace [I see]. Anyhow i've been got in touch recently by individual to make an request and also objective is obviously you. [Who hired you?! Was it Bruce?? Is he still mad at me for getting that promotion last May??]

In a immediate and painless manner. [Painless punishment? So you're saying this is not very serious then.] To be honest i only get compensated soon after each accomplished job and so choice to get hold of you before, to be able to pay me for remaining non-active this i sometimes offer the target. [This is a very interesting strategy, but honestly you don't sound very scary or intimidating. In fact, you sound like a fucking idiot.] However,if i don't obtain everything that i'm asking,my people will carry out the request. [And what exactly will your people do? Ring my doorbell after leaving a flaming bag of shit icon-external-link-12x12 on my doorstep?]

But in case if we will generate deal [not likely], apart eliminating the request you'll be able to obtain full information concerning the client that i have found. [It's gotta be Bruce. Only he would hire a moron like you.] As soon as the order is accomplished,I often eliminate the operator as well [wait a sec, aren't you the operator?], therefore i have a decision [Hang on... Bruce, is that you??!], to generate twelve hundred via you, quite simply with no effort and hard work [you are the laziest thug imaginable], or maybe to get 4000 from the client, yet to shed my operator. [Hmmm... tough call. $4000 is more than $1200, but there's going to be more work involved.]

I am receiving transfers solely via Btc aka bitcoin , this is my bitcoin transaction address - 1KLpbx3a6e5GphyDGGrRfRbPgE8G5SUtD6 [Sorry dude, I only have PayPal!]

You only have thirty-nine hours to transmit funds. [I guess I need to check my email more often---you sent this more than a month ago and no flaming bag of shit icon-external-link-12x12 so far!]

The Case for Smartphone Cases

It’s fascinating to me how it became fashionable for people to not use cases with their smartphones. This fits very well with the notion manufacturers and service providers push on consumers that a smartphone is supposed to be replaced every year or so: “Drop your phone? No sweat—just go buy a new one! There are a bunch of awesome new can’t-live-without-it features that came out since four months ago! How about insurance this time? It’s only $30 per month! This is more than what you pay for the renter’s insurance that covers all the belongings in your house/apartment, but it’s still totally worth it!”

Smartphone with cracked screen. [Formatted]

Not having a case also seems to be a status symbol of sorts: it communicates to others that a person has enough money to just go buy a new smartphone whenever clumsiness happens (which it always does). Along these same lines, the more expensive and fancy the phone then the lower the likelihood a person will actually use a case with it, which is just bizarre, bass-ackwards logic. One interesting result of this is that a lot of people end up using phones with cracked screens in front of their peers because they can’t afford to get it fixed or buy a new one; perhaps this is smartphone karma.

As for me, my smartphone is a Moto G6 Play which cost only $200. I put it in a sturdy case and it is very well protected. How do I know this? Because I drop my phone, just like everybody else, with about the same regularity as I spill my coffee. Call me crazy, but I like not having to throw away $200+ because I lost yet another battle with gravity. In fact, if I’m going to suddenly jettison this kind of money from my bank account, there are lots of other things I would rather it go to: visiting the dentist, replacing a tire on my vehicle, buying life insurance. Hell… I would rather wad up $10 bills into tight little balls and hurl them at unsuspecting people in the supermarket—at least that would be fun and entertaining. It’s certainly a better use of my money than replacing a smartphone that would otherwise be functioning perfectly if it just had a case.