Tag Archives: Interweb

Antiphony, Entry 6: The Act of Your Onanism

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Subject: Hi, viсtim.
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2018 10:57:38 -0700
From: oeaqjk <Janine@kanpurlive.com>

Hi, my sacrifice. [WTF?]

I write you inasmuch as I put a virus on the web site with porno which you have viewed. [Porno? I don't know what you're talking about. I have never looked at porno in my life.] My trojan captured all your private info [oh shit] and turned on your camera [damn!] which captured the act of your onanism. [No, not my onanism!!!] Just after that the virus saved your contact list. [Including my boss???] I will erase the compromising video records and data [oh please!!] if you send me 500 USD in bitcoin. [Hold on, I'm waiting to hear back from Capt. Patrick Williams of the US ARMY medical team! He has money for me!!] This is wallet address for payment: 1JcdSm3qyL1hKagL22z3grpVUkjX3Ez8v2 [Wait! I have no idea what this means!!!]

I give you 30h after you view my report for making the payment. [Ahhh!! Capt. Patrick isn't very punctual and he's been processing my personal information to get me my money!] As soon as you open the message I'll know it immediately. [..!] It is not necessary to tell me that you have sent money to me. [..!!] This wallet address is connected to you, my system will delete everything automatically after transfer confirmation. [AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!] If you need 48h just Open the calculator on your desktop and press +++ [WHICH ONE?!?!? MY COMPUTER HAS FOUR DIFFERENT CALCULATORS!] If you don't pay, I'll send dirt to all your contacts. [Oh please don't!!] Let me remind you-I see what you're doing! [STOP WATCHING ME!] You can visit the police office but nothing can't help you. If you attempt to deceive me , I'll see it immediately! [HOW DO I UNPLUG THIS HORRIBLE THING?!?!?!?!?] I don't live in your country. [Of course!! No american would ever do anything like this!!] So anybody can't track my location even for 9 months.

Goodbye for now. [WAIT! DON'T GO!! WHAT THE HELL IS A WALLET ADDRESS?????] Don't forget about the shame and to ignore, Your life can be ruined. [Why is this happening to me?!?! Things were going so well before you sent me this horrible email!!]

[Holy hell! I knew that midget website was a bad idea....]

Antiphony, Entry 5: I Am Not One of These People

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From: "Patrick Williams"
Subject: Dear trust worthy individual
Date: Mon, 1 Oct 2018 12:55:19 -0400

Greetings,

I know you will be surprised to get this my email. [I might be, I'm not sure yet. Honestly, I need your help to make this decision.] Apart from being surprised you may be hesitant to reply based on what is happening in the world of the internet. [Is this why they call it "The Interwebz"?] One has to be very careful due to the amount of scammers that are out there looking to take advantage of innocent citizens. [I hate scammers! Hooray for innocent citizens like me!!] However, I am not one of these people. [No, of course not---you had me at "greetings."] My name is Capt. Patrick Williams [hello Captain!] and I was a member of the US ARMY medical team deployed to Iraq and then later transferred to Afghanistan. [Thank you for serving our country!]

I am looking for a trust worthy individual who will assist me in receiving some funds for me. [I can definitely do this. How much are we talking? Five million? Six million? Gold bullion, I hope.] I am requesting this individual to hold onto the cash until I arrive safely back to retrieve them. [I won't let you down!]

As soon as I hear back I will work out the finer details. [Here is my social security number: 555-12-3456. What else do you need?]

Best Regards
Captain Patrick Williams [Thank you Captain, sir! I can't wait to start working with you!]

Antiphony, Entry 4: Dubious Criminal Ways

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From: Gerry Rice
Sent: February 12, 2018 12:19:35 AM PST
To: Recipients
Subject: Urgent Attention needed...

Dear Beneficiary, [Holy shit! Gerry Rice is emailing me!]

This is to officially inform you that an ATM Card that worth USD $2.5 Million [did you say 2.5 million dollars?] (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) [okay, I guess you did, Mr. Rice] has been issued as a compensation payment for all the short listed [I'm never short listed, dude] 2012 till date scam victims [oh wait, is being on a short list a good thing?] whose email address was recovered during the recent internet probing and investigation process. [Now is probably a good time to tell you that I don't like probings of any kind.] Your email address was found among the list [the list? what list???] so we are in no doubt believed that those syndicates [wtf man? syndicates?!] must have collected monies from you through their dubious criminal ways. [Dubious criminals are definitely the worst kind of criminals.]

It was on these very recommendation that the International Monetary Fund (IMF) [whoa! the IMF!] in conjunction with the United State Government [whoa!! the US government!!] after series of meeting held came up with a sanction to compensate all foreign victims [I'm not a foreigner, does this disqualify me?] with a payment benefit of USD $2.5 Million [oooh the things I could do with that kind of money...] (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) [...like buy my own helicopter!] each in order to restore the Global Economy to the enviable standard of respectability. [The Enviable Standard of Respectability!! Hey, that sounds like an album title!] Please note that upon receipt of your response we will process and send you ATM Card Payment and you will use it to withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, [damn, my bank only allows me to withdraw $1000 per day from the ATM... this is going to be a grind] so if you like to receive your fund send us the following information;

1. Full Name: [Chad Philip Johnson]
2. Phone Number: [1-800-DEEZ-NUTZ]
3. Mailing Address: [12345 Wysteria Lane, Fantasy Land, CA]
4. Occupation: [Professional Occupier]
5. Send your ID card to confirm your name. [Okay... I will send this to you after I finish reading about all the other things I've won today.]

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled. [Yes, the world is unfortunately full of victims.]

Mr. Gerry Rice [Gerry, you're awesome!! The 49ers suck shit without you!]
FOR International Monetary Fund. [The IMF rulz!]

Antiphony, Entry 3: An Important Message From Mrs. Anna Blair AKA John Johnson AKA Ahmed

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Reply-To: <ahmed.cbn.gov.ng@gmail.com>
From: "JOHN JOHNSON"<johnson.johnson-ky@yandex.com>
Subject: Please get back to me
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2017 06:19:17 -0800

My Dear Friend,

Let me first of all inform you, I got your email address from a mail Directory [oh yes, I always try to put my email address on all the mail directories I come across] and decided to mail you for a permission to go ahead. I am Mrs. Anna Blair from United Kingdom, [well hello there Mrs. Anna Blair from United Kingdom] married to Dr. Anthony R. Blair who worked with Texaco Oil Company in Malaysia before he died in a plane crash on his way to a Board meeting. [Damn, that sucks--you really gotta watch out for those high-stakes board meetings.] My Husband and I were married but without any children. [Okay, that's really unfortunate, but please don't go into any detail.] Since his death I decided not to re-marry and presently I am 79 Years old. [Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're almost an octogenarian?] When my late husband was Alive he deposited the sum of $11.5M. (Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars) with a Bank. [Did you say Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars? Have I mentioned that I'm single?]

Presently this money is still with the Bank and the management just Wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to receive the money or rather Issue a letter of authority to somebody to receive it on my behalf. [Yes... mmm hmmm... someone on your behalf? Please continue.] I am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment Cancer of the lungs. [I'm sorry--that's really quite unfortunate.] I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live [That's perfect! I mean... how terrible!] so I think the best thing to do is to use the money for charity purposes. [What a coincidence... "Charity" happens to be my middle name!]

I want a person who is trustworthy [you're definitely talking to the right guy, lady] that I will make the beneficiary of my late Husband's Fund deposited with the bank so that the person can get the money and utilize 70% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world. [Wait... 70%? That still leaves like 5 or 6 million dollars for me, right?]

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact details of the Bank. [Don't worry, I am a very professional person.] I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of this fund.Please assure me that you will act accordingly [I assure you that I will act accordingly] as I stated here in and Keep this contact confidential till such a time this funds get to your Custody. [Don't worry, I wouldn't share this message with anybody!] This is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes my last wish on earth. [I will do it for you, Anna.]

Kindly reply me on my private email: mrsannatony@yahoo.com [Wait a sec, are you sure you want me to send it to this one? There are like three different email addresses going on in this message.]

I await your urgent reply.

Regards,
Mrs. Anna Blair [That's such a pretty name... for such a pretty young lady.]