Tag Archives: Spam

Antiphony, Entry 4: Dubious Criminal Ways

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From: Gerry Rice
Sent: February 12, 2018 12:19:35 AM PST
To: Recipients
Subject: Urgent Attention needed...

Dear Beneficiary, [Holy shit! Gerry Rice is emailing me!]

This is to officially inform you that an ATM Card that worth USD $2.5 Million [did you say 2.5 million dollars?] (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) [okay, I guess you did, Mr. Rice] has been issued as a compensation payment for all the short listed [I'm never short listed, dude] 2012 till date scam victims [oh wait, is being on a short list a good thing?] whose email address was recovered during the recent internet probing and investigation process. [Now is probably a good time to tell you that I don't like probings of any kind.] Your email address was found among the list [the list? what list???] so we are in no doubt believed that those syndicates [wtf man? syndicates?!] must have collected monies from you through their dubious criminal ways. [Dubious criminals are definitely the worst kind of criminals.]

It was on these very recommendation that the International Monetary Fund (IMF) [whoa! the IMF!] in conjunction with the United State Government [whoa!! the US government!!] after series of meeting held came up with a sanction to compensate all foreign victims [I'm not a foreigner, does this disqualify me?] with a payment benefit of USD $2.5 Million [oooh the things I could do with that kind of money...] (Two Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) [...like buy my own helicopter!] each in order to restore the Global Economy to the enviable standard of respectability. [The Enviable Standard of Respectability!! Hey, that sounds like an album title!] Please note that upon receipt of your response we will process and send you ATM Card Payment and you will use it to withdraw your money in any ATM machine in any part of the world, [damn, my bank only allows me to withdraw $1000 per day from the ATM... this is going to be a grind] so if you like to receive your fund send us the following information;

1. Full Name: [Chad Philip Johnson]
2. Phone Number: [1-800-DEEZ-NUTZ]
3. Mailing Address: [12345 Wysteria Lane, Fantasy Land, CA]
4. Occupation: [Professional Occupier]
5. Send your ID card to confirm your name. [Okay... I will send this to you after I finish reading about all the other things I've won today.]

Your immediate compliance to this will expedite actions on your Payment because here in this office, we have a lot of listed victims to be settled. [Yes, the world is unfortunately full of victims.]

Mr. Gerry Rice [Gerry, you're awesome!! The 49ers suck shit without you!]
FOR International Monetary Fund. [The IMF rulz!]

Antiphony, Entry 3: An Important Message From Mrs. Anna Blair AKA John Johnson AKA Ahmed

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Reply-To: <ahmed.cbn.gov.ng@gmail.com>
From: "JOHN JOHNSON"<johnson.johnson-ky@yandex.com>
Subject: Please get back to me
Date: Mon, 6 Nov 2017 06:19:17 -0800

My Dear Friend,

Let me first of all inform you, I got your email address from a mail Directory [oh yes, I always try to put my email address on all the mail directories I come across] and decided to mail you for a permission to go ahead. I am Mrs. Anna Blair from United Kingdom, [well hello there Mrs. Anna Blair from United Kingdom] married to Dr. Anthony R. Blair who worked with Texaco Oil Company in Malaysia before he died in a plane crash on his way to a Board meeting. [Damn, that sucks--you really gotta watch out for those high-stakes board meetings.] My Husband and I were married but without any children. [Okay, that's really unfortunate, but please don't go into any detail.] Since his death I decided not to re-marry and presently I am 79 Years old. [Are you sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you're almost an octogenarian?] When my late husband was Alive he deposited the sum of $11.5M. (Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars) with a Bank. [Did you say Eleven Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars? Have I mentioned that I'm single?]

Presently this money is still with the Bank and the management just Wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to receive the money or rather Issue a letter of authority to somebody to receive it on my behalf. [Yes... mmm hmmm... someone on your behalf? Please continue.] I am presently in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment Cancer of the lungs. [I'm sorry--that's really quite unfortunate.] I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live [That's perfect! I mean... how terrible!] so I think the best thing to do is to use the money for charity purposes. [What a coincidence... "Charity" happens to be my middle name!]

I want a person who is trustworthy [you're definitely talking to the right guy, lady] that I will make the beneficiary of my late Husband's Fund deposited with the bank so that the person can get the money and utilize 70% of this money to fund churches, orphanages and widows around the world. [Wait... 70%? That still leaves like 5 or 6 million dollars for me, right?]

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact details of the Bank. [Don't worry, I am a very professional person.] I will also issue you a letter of authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of this fund.Please assure me that you will act accordingly [I assure you that I will act accordingly] as I stated here in and Keep this contact confidential till such a time this funds get to your Custody. [Don't worry, I wouldn't share this message with anybody!] This is to ensure that nothing jeopardizes my last wish on earth. [I will do it for you, Anna.]

Kindly reply me on my private email: mrsannatony@yahoo.com [Wait a sec, are you sure you want me to send it to this one? There are like three different email addresses going on in this message.]

I await your urgent reply.

Regards,
Mrs. Anna Blair [That's such a pretty name... for such a pretty young lady.]

Creative Writing for Kensholes 101

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Subject: From Kenshole
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 2016 22:52:04 +0530
From: Alpha
Reply-To: george_kenshole1@yahoo.co.uk
To: Undisclosed recipients:;

Hello

Before I start, I must firstly apologize for this unsolicited proposal to you. I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship, But as time goes on you will realize the need for my action.

My name is Mr. Kenshole Geoffrey George, Audit Manager of Alpha Bank and account officer to Late Edward Han, who died with his wife and the only daughter in an Automobile crash on the 28th January 2001. Before the death of Late Edward Han, he maintained a fixed deposit account with my Bank (Alpha Bank UK Ltd) Based on this discovery, I now seek your permission and support to have you stand in as a next of kin to the Late deceased, as all documentations will be carefully worked out by me for the release of these funds,l amounting to the tune of (20,000,000.00) Twenty Million Dollars Only to any nominated account of your choice. I propose an offer of 40% of the total amount to be yours after the transfer has been successfully concluded. Let me have your Full Name, Confidential Telephone, Fax and Mobile Numbers and also your Contact Address in response to this proposal if you are interested. Please reply immediately to my private email address (george_kenshole1@yahoo.co.uk).

REGARDS
MR KENSHOLE

If I had a nickel for every time some kenshole sent me an email like this, I would probably have $20,000,000.00.

Creative Writing for Assholes 101

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From: INSPECTOR.GRANT WATSON <4w3@lalllaaa.ee.tn>
Subject: YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES DELIVERY.
Reply to: inspectorgrant945@gmail.com
To: Recipients <4w3@lalllaaa.ee.tn>

INSPECTOR GRANT WATSON
UNITED NATION INSPECTION AGENCY
HART FIELD-JACKSON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
ATLANTA GEOGIA,

I am GRANT WATSON Inspection Agency in Harts field-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our investigation, I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA which was transferred from Murtala International Airport. To our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes. The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal Effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities.

The diplomat's inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned. By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more. They are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes, the details of the consignment including your name and email on the official document from United Nations' office in NIGERIA where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified document is still available with us. As it stands now, you have to reconfirm your Full name, Phone Number, full address so I can cross-check and see if it corresponds with the one on the official documents.

It is now left to you to decide if you are the beneficiary and still need the consignment or allow us repatriate it back to NIGERIA (place of origin) as we were instructed. Like I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most importantly because he gave a false declaration, he could not pay for the yellow tag, he could not secure a valid non inspection document(s), etc. I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get back this packages if only you are willing to work with me with trust. You can either come in person, or you engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent that will provide the necessary security. That is required to deliver the package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice. I need the entire guarantee that I can get from you before I can get involved in this project.

Best Regards,
MR GRANT WATSON
INSPECTION OFFICER.
Email :{inspectorgrant945@gmail.com}

The sad thing is that spam mail like this wouldn’t exist if there weren’t people out there that believed everything they read. The MR. GRANT WATSON INSPECTION OFFICER shtick convinces enough dummies to respond with their personal information, and this is why it is worth somebody’s time to write such duplicitous drivel.  Meanwhile, the rest of the world suffers.

It kinda makes you wonder how 999 out of every 1000 emails are about Viagra and penis enlargement, and yet it’s not difficult to infer why this happens: lots of men—and zero women, I should add—actually respond to these messages and divulge their personal details and credit card numbers. If this wasn’t the case then a significant number of crooked schemers on the Internet wouldn’t have anything to show for their efforts. Instead of sending spam mail, they would try to discover a new way to trick people out of their money, or order a Little Caesar’s pizza for breakfast, or watch a Pawn Stars marathon… or maybe apply for a job at ICANN?