What’s scarier? Locking eyes with ravenous werewolf feasting on freshly torn human flesh? Crossing paths with a wraith on a dark night at a lonely bridge? Awakening in your bed from the stirring of an unfamiliar phantasm? Or the current lineup of Hostess twinkies and cupcakes?

This Halloween, don’t call it quits after amassing your usual hoard of Twizzlers and stale candy corn—compliment your trove with a box or two of Chocolate Scream Twinkies. These are just like regular Twinkies, but they are filled with a sickeningly sweet brown mess inside.

If over-processed cake products that look a little too much like Fluffy’s unattended sphincter aren’t your thing, consider the more conventional Hostess Scary Cakes. These are the standard diabetes-causing Hostess cup cakes with organ-damaging orange food dye mixed into the frosting to exude seasonal cheer.

Do you prefer eating food that glows in the dark? Well, who doesn’t?! Fortunately, Hostess Glo Balls have you covered. These little treasures are made out of equal parts sugar, dye, bleached flour, and recycled glow sticks.

One particularly neat trick with these Glo Balls is that if they are eaten fast enough and with minimal chewing, a person’s belly button will light up during the nighttime. Hostess claims that this is a good thing, as it provides yet another way for motorists to gauge their distance from careless children who are out trick-or-treating well after the sun sets.

Too much good stuff, right? But what are we supposed to do when all the Hostess Halloween fun is over? Are people going to be left to suffer a debilitating combination of sugar and processed-food withdrawals? Don’t worry… the Hostess-with-the-mostest has the solution: Deep-Fried Twinkies! Yes, that’s right, twinkies that have been submerged in boiling fat and oil. And what’s more, these little saccharine sludgies are available all year round!

And really, how could they not be? There are just too many incredible things going on here for these to be relegated to seasonal distribution. Hostess even made a Double Chocolate variant for its customers with increasingly refined palates.

So it seems that Halloween these days is less about scary things and more about inventing extreme ways to activate a person’s sweet tooth. I guess it’s safe to say that the only thing scarier than a blood-thirsty demon is one with a weight problem, poorly-fitting trousers, and a glowing belly button.