If the members of the heavy metal act Metallica decided to make and release their own peanut-butter and jelly sandwich, it would take the band much, much longer than anyone would guess was possible. Using their reality-TV-show-turned-documentary from 2004 as a roadmap, this is about how things would go:
First, the band’s management would purchase every type of sliced bread, peanut butter, and flavor of jelly available on the market and deliver it to “Sandwich-Making Headquarters.” Then singer James Hetfield and drummer Lars Ulrich—both of whom are well into middle age—would sit in a room together for many hours a day and apply adolescence-fueled sandwich-making techniques. This would typically involve hurried and somewhat arbitrary combinations of the aforementioned ingredients, drawn-out tasting sessions for each resulting sandwich, additional hours spent struggling to note any differences that may or may not exist when compared to previous sandwiches, and regular outbursts of frustration and contrived angst interspersed with obscenities.
After about a month of this, there is a strong likelihood that a therapist would be called in for moral and psychological support due to the increasing frequency of exclamations like “Hey, making sandwiches is really fucking hard!” along with each band member having many near-realizations of “What the hell are we doing?” and “Why are we even still around?”
Occasionally, guitarist Kirk Hammett and Bass Player X would be invited to share whatever ingredients they use for their own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but most of these contributions would be outright dismissed, and those that weren’t would be discarded shortly thereafter.
This process would continue until an apex of frustration and exhaustion was reached, but also after most of the requisite parts of a sandwich were cobbled together. The ensuing disinterest in the project would signal to everyone that it is time to stop working and start being rock stars again, which is really what it’s all about for these guys. Of course, this means headlining an 18 month worldwide tour in support of the brand new Metalli-Sandwich, which at this point is long anticipated by fans.
In the end, Metallica’s latest creation would look and taste exactly how a PB&J should to John Q. Metalhead. Yet former fans and/or musicians not under the band’s spell are quick to notice that something is wrong with the taste of this sandwich, sort of like drinking a glass of milk after it started to sour in the fridge. Regardless, it would be a smashing success, and the many members of the Metallica Corporation—not just James, Lars, and Kirk—would make oodles and oodles of money, just like they always do when a new product is branded with the Metallica name.
So this holiday season, don’t forget to buy a Metalli-Sandwich for your loved ones, along with these other fine wares from Metallica (AKA the Wal-Mart of heavy metal):
