Creative Writing for Assholes 101

From: INSPECTOR.GRANT WATSON <4w3@lalllaaa.ee.tn>
Subject: YOUR CONSIGNMENT BOXES DELIVERY.
Reply to: inspectorgrant945@gmail.com
To: Recipients <4w3@lalllaaa.ee.tn>

INSPECTOR GRANT WATSON
UNITED NATION INSPECTION AGENCY
HART FIELD-JACKSON INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
ATLANTA GEOGIA,

I am GRANT WATSON Inspection Agency in Harts field-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia. During our investigation, I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA which was transferred from Murtala International Airport. To our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes. The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal Effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities.

The diplomat's inability to pay for Non Inspection fees among other things are the reason why the consignment is delayed and abandoned. By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more. They are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes, the details of the consignment including your name and email on the official document from United Nations' office in NIGERIA where the shipment was tagged as personal effects/classified document is still available with us. As it stands now, you have to reconfirm your Full name, Phone Number, full address so I can cross-check and see if it corresponds with the one on the official documents.

It is now left to you to decide if you are the beneficiary and still need the consignment or allow us repatriate it back to NIGERIA (place of origin) as we were instructed. Like I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away most importantly because he gave a false declaration, he could not pay for the yellow tag, he could not secure a valid non inspection document(s), etc. I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get back this packages if only you are willing to work with me with trust. You can either come in person, or you engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent that will provide the necessary security. That is required to deliver the package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice. I need the entire guarantee that I can get from you before I can get involved in this project.

Best Regards,
MR GRANT WATSON
INSPECTION OFFICER.
Email :{inspectorgrant945@gmail.com}


The sad thing is that spam mail like this wouldn’t exist if there weren’t people out there that believed everything they read. The MR. GRANT WATSON INSPECTION OFFICER shtick convinces enough dummies to respond with their personal information, and this is why it is worth somebody’s time to write such duplicitous drivel.  Meanwhile, the rest of the world suffers.

It kinda makes you wonder how 999 out of every 1000 emails are about Viagra and penis enlargement, and yet it’s not difficult to infer why this happens: lots of men—and zero women, I should add—actually respond to these messages and divulge their personal details and credit card numbers. If this wasn’t the case then a significant number of crooked schemers on the Internet wouldn’t have anything to show for their efforts. Instead of sending spam mail, they would try to discover a new way to trick people out of their money, or order a Little Caesar’s pizza for breakfast, or watch a Pawn Stars marathon… or maybe apply for a job at ICANN?

We Won’t Let You Slip Away

The Motherload icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 02 from the Once More ‘Round the Sun LP by Mastodon icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )

I can see what the world has done to you
I can feel the weight

I can see what this life has handed you
I can feel the weight

This time things will work out just fine
We won’t let you slip away
This time things will work out just fine
We won’t let you leave this way

If you want you can will it, you can have it
I can put it right there in your hands

I can hear what the spirits are telling you
I can clear the weight

I can see all the wolves as they circle you
I can crush the weight

This time things will work out just fine
We won’t let you slip away
This time things will work out just fine
We won’t let you leave this way

If you want you can will it, you can have it
I can put it right there in your hands

Like a Coffee Machine in an Office (Ahoo!)

I only just realized what an amazingly talented singer and dancer Shakira is!!


She Wolf icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 01 from the She Wolf LP by Shakira icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )

S-O-S she is in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise,
Coming out

A domesticated girl that’s all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy
Moon’s awake now, with eyes wide open
My body is craving, so feed the hungry

I’ve been devoting myself to you
Monday to Monday
And Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it
Starting to feel just a little abused
Like a coffee machine in an office
So I’m gonna go somewhere closer
To get me a lover and tell you about it

There’s a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free
There’s a she wolf in the closet
Let it out so it can breath

Sitting across the bar, staring right at her prey
It’s going well so far, she’s gonna get her way
Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent
The moon is my teacher, and I’m her student

To locate the single man I’ve got on me a special radar
And the fire department’s hot line in case I get in trouble later
Not looking for cute little divas or rich city guys that just want to enjoy
I’m having a very good time and behave very bad in the arms of a boy

There’s a she wolf in the closet
Open up and set her free
There’s a she wolf in the closet
Let it out so it can breath

S-O-S she is in disguise
There’s a she wolf in disguise
Coming out

There’s a she wolf in the closet
Let it out so it can breath

Shift Into Overdrive

Stargasm icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 04 from The Hunter LP by Mastodon icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 )
“Stargasm” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12

shift-into-overdrive-000000-formatted

Dry Bone Valley icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 08 from The Hunter LP)
“Dry Bone Valley” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12
Bedazzled Fingernails icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12 (track 12 from The Hunter LP)
“Bedazzled Fingernails” Song Lyrics icon-external-link-12x12 icon-search-12x12