So I bought a new high-tech microwave oven yesterday: the LG 0.9 cu. ft. NeoChef Countertop Microwave with Smart Inverter and EasyClean.

This is the first time I have ever purchased a microwave, and I think I did okay overall, but my expectations about what a modern microwave should do are apparently way too high. Why can’t it cook my food in 10 seconds? Why can’t it clean itself? Why can’t it connect to the Internet and buzz my smartphone when my food is ready? Why can’t the microwave door double as a television screen?

Come on, it’s 2017—we have self-driving cars and drones… why do I have to wait an entire 2 minutes for my frozen gourmet burritos to finish cooking??!

And another thing… microwave ovens have been around for like 50 years, so shouldn’t they cook faster by now? The only futuristic thing about this microwave is that it looks sleek and fancy, and it plays these stupid little songs in digitized chimes whenever my food is done cooking:

Not only are these features incredibly disappointing from technological standpoint, but the songs it plays are eerily similar to the songs that my training potty used to play when I was a small child. This has rendered a highly distressing psychological response from me whenever my food is ready to eat.

Oh yeah, it also has something called Smart Inverter Technology, whatever the hell that is. I think it’s for making yogurt or something stupid like that—who cares!!! I want 10 second gourmet burritos, damnit! How much longer are we going to have to wait for somebody to get off their ass and figure this stuff out?

Also, can I please turn these songs off already, or maybe download some new ringtones or something?!? I haven’t eaten in more than 24 hours!